Written by Kevin Kangas
June 11, 2006
- The hosts: Freddy, Matt, Andy, Ryan, Kelly, Chiseck
News
- Feast poster and dvd release date
- Freddy says from now on they’re gonna call themselves “Nighters”
- They still can’t figure out what clown movie they saw as child though an emailer incorrectly thinks it’s “Killer Clowns From Outer Space”.
- Wicker man BS.
- A new Zodiac movie NOT the Fincher one.
- Hitcher remake signs new leading guy.
- Freddy thinks Neil Patrick Harris would make a great Hitcher (Freddy is apparently high).
- Snakes on a Train.
- They go off into serial killer tangent. “Real life serial killers one one of my least favorite things,” says Freddy. They hope Rick Ganz is in September’s serial killer calendar.
- They bust the fourth wall to tell us that someone needs a drink of water.
Voice mail
Jeff from Jersey says he likes the podcast(he thinks he’s first person to ever call the podcast, but apparently someone named Sheila beat him–trivia alert, ie Name the first person to ever call the NOTLP voicemail). Mentions Monster Squad.
Straight to Video Russian Roulette
Russian Roulette, revamped they say. Quick quiz to find who’s exempt from next week’s. Chiseck is exempt from this week’s drawing. Someone says this is gonna be worst episode they’ve ever done(and he’s right because they don’t recognize the genius of the film they’re about to critique). First question is stupid, second question is Name the hotel in the movie Shining(Overlook) and Hotel Room Number(real room 217/answer 237) but nobody gets room number. Third question is name a quote and Freddy gets Pet Sematary. Then then ask REALLY easy bonus question about Night of the Creeps but nobody gets it because they’ve apparently been struck partially retarded by the brilliance of the clown movie they recently saw and are about to review.
God Bless Satellite
Watched The Immortalizer. About people who put old people’s brains in young people’s bodies. Then Scarecrow Slayer. Then Freddy says they don’t only watch bad movies, and points out 3 Extremes. (which they liked)
40:20 is when their epic coverage of the greatest movie of all time begins. This is not the Vault, this is a Fear of Clowns segment. Freddy picked it up because Matt is coulrophobic. They say it’s a punishment. Andy says they now have a fear of indy directors.
Matt(I think) says it’s the worst movie they’ve had to watch for the show. “Just awful.” He’s clearly a douche, and doesn’t point out that part of the reason he hated the movie was that he was being cornholed by men with elephantine penises at the time of the viewing. You gotta read between the lines like I did.
He then has a hard time synopsizing the film, so Freddy takes over and says it makes sense–hence, he’s the only one with part of a brain but then he almost loses it by saying something bad about the brilliant director. They then read the back of the dvd box(never a good idea, since those are all written by talentless ad-men).
A brief moment of clarity as one of the guys says, “If you didn’t like this movie then you just didn’t get it” but the joke’s on him because he’s being facetious. This is irony at its finest.
Matt/Ryan begin to “bullet hole” this. I think this is code-name for fingering each others’ assholes.
They say the film “broke them”, which is the greatest compliment I’ve ever received.
Then they make fun of the name “Lynn Blodgett”. I should have gone with my first choice: “Busty McVadge”. I make a mental note for the future.
Ryan doesn’t know why the clown is stalking the woman, but Freddy and Andy correctly point out why, which has to make Ryan feel small and feeble-minded.
Then Freddy says the online script is “180 pages”. It’s actually 120 pages.
Matt read the script. He tries to be witty but fails miserably here. Not his finest moment. His summary is adequate, so at least it’s better than his sex life. They then point out the script makes sense but is “dumber” than the movie. Yes, he
really said dumber.
Then they say they don’t blame the actors, they blame the director. They talk about me being arrogant and me wanting the movie to be over 3 hours. They are half right, but don’t they know who I am? I can crush their careers with a phone
call!
Here’s one of my favorite moments. Freddy says that when he makes a song and it’s no good, he throws it away. His inference here is that jamming out a four minute song is comparable to spending 2 years and tens of thousands of dollars on a film. But I also guarantee that if Freddy made a song that sucked but Sony called him up and offered him good cash to release it on the radio stations–well, he wouldn’t be turning it down. Check. Mate.
Back to imdb comment boards–they also got in an argument with someone from my cast on there. Then they paraphrase what I said by saying that I said FOC was too deep for them. They comment on my FOC hat and FOC T-Shirt, and say that’s where the budget went. FYI–my wife bought those for me. Now she hates you too. Congratulations.
Freddy says it’s tragic that I have a wife and kids(really, only 1 that I know of). For once, we agree.
Someone points out that I don’t see the flaws in FOC–and this is why I’m sure these guys are all either retarded or blinded by their hate of my on-screen persona. The jury’s still out on which one it is.
Chiseck says he will give me one more chance. He’s gonna go out and find “Hunting Humans”.
Then Ryan calls me out: “I hope you hear this. You’re a prick. You’re an arrogant asshole. smurfin.” Chiseck calls me a douche nozzle.
Matt hates that the clown gives up at the end. Then they mention the gooch shot.
Then they make fun of how fat and unattractive one of the actresses is. Glass houses, anybody?
Then they go on to the cop beheading scene–and okay, this is where you just gotta wonder about the IQ of Matt/Ryan. He claims that the cop’s head flies across the street and hits the windshield of the car the hitman is in. THIS IN NO WAY HAPPENS. The head flies off and hits the gray car in the driveway that you can clearly see in most of the scene, NOT the white truck that the hitman is driving. But again, it’s probably hard to absorb what’s happening on a TV screen when a man has 12 inches buried in your hershey highway.
I’m totally busted on the fake-looking corpse–it needed to move or something, but we had enough problems that day to choke a horse.
They move on to the gooch shot. Funny aside: Jacky still to this day says she was not wearing underwear during that shot because she was unaware we were shooting from there. However, she was definitely wearing underwear.
Freddy thinks we had a set decorator. Hahahahaha.
Hey, Chiseck called me a dick and then claims he LOOKED UP Leiber’s Congenital Amaurosis and found out it doesn’t do exactly what I said it did. Now, if you have to look something up online to find out it’s incorrect, is that really something you can fault me for? (besides, Lieber’s DOES cause discoloration of the eyes, just not solid black)
They make fun of the way Shivers talks. This is a bad thing to do. He would have killed you anyway, but now he’s got REASON to. And yes, I told him to talk that way. Blame me, but realize you just don’t get the GENIUS, man.
Now Matt or Ryan wants me to call the show–”You arrogant prick” he says.
Freddy loses his bet when he says he believes I will think their podcast sucks.
Everyone busts out laughing for no discernable–turns out the cat fell from a great height and knocked off someone’s headphones.
They say Lionsgate puts out crap and Matt(?) says he won’t check out anymore movies from them because he doesn’t want them to fund any more crap. He doesn’t realize that they don’t fund us no-budget guys, they just buy the stuff they think they can sell.
They mention FOC2–”the clown escapes crazy jail”. Someone mentions the interview I did for Horror Asylum. They want to do a phone interview with them.
They want to know who the 30 people who voted FOC a 10 were.
Show ends with “Send In The Clowns”.
Here ends my completely unbiased and humble coverage of Episode 8. Go see if Ryan Nicholson will do his critique/summary of the Raw Feed show, huh? 
Editor’s note from T Van: I would like to personally thank Kevin for taking the time to sit down and write this for the episode guide. How many other directors face their critics in such a hilarious manner?
